Dearest Tampon,

Why can’t you grasp that it’s OVER between us? I’ve changed, and now you’re useless to me. No, seriously. My body literally doesn’t need you anymore. I’ve stopped bleeding! This is a kind of freedom that just cannot be bought in the ‘feminine hygiene’ aisle.

It’s tricky now with the planet plunged into chaos to find your groove thing. It’s tricky, but not impossible. It can be difficult to concern yourself with bikini lines, pore size and a perky spirit when your very existence hangs in the balance. But come on. Those eyebrows aren’t going to pluck themselves, and your man deserves the best in these trying times.